Any Day Above Ground

A look back...

2011-11-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

EDITORS NOTE!
The other day I stumbled across an "article" I wrote a long time ago. After reading it I was struck by the sentence echoing the name of this blog. It's as if there was some sort of premonition...almost a decade has passed since these words were originally typed. I was also struck by the fact that at the time I was starting on a new medication just as I am now. Apparently, this disorder can be cyclic in more ways than one. Once again I am feeling positive and perhaps this current drug will continue to work. Still I can't help but think of the movie "Groundhog Day". I'd prefer not to be writing this again in ten years.

I edited out the last few paragraphs. Back then I had a tendency to climb up on a soapbox (and go off on tangents). These days I am content to focus on each day at a time. To quote Jesus, "Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof". Let's not borrow trouble.

There have been a few other changes since this was written. These days I rarely eat ice cream and I no longer own a cat.

I have been "away".

Over six months ago I thought my life had turned a corner. I was right, but not in a way I expected. I didn't know there was a yawning chasm around that blind curve. Fortunately, I survived the fall.Mental illnesses have a built in stealth technology. You can't necessarily see them coming. They tend to attack like those black fighter jets the Air Force has. You don't know you're a target until the bomb goes off. By that time it's too late to duck. It's all wreckage and smoke. If you're alive, you count yourself blessed.

It's a diabolical form of disease, or disorder, or whatever it's called these days. It isn't necessarily considered life threatening, not like cancer or heart disease. That's just another facet of it's "stealthiness". In many ways it's just as deadly. Perhaps the only distinction is the fact that you die by your own hand. It's a little like those movies where some guy is forced by some possessive entity to place a gun to his head and pull the trigger. There may be, however, none of that dramatic fight presented in the films. You can be totally convinced you are doing "the right thing". It's more diabolical, more subtle than most people can guess.

Not that I tried to kill myself. I'm too cowardly, or perhaps too smart, for that. Other thoughts go through my head when the suggestion appears. What if I miss? What if I end up a vegetable, a burden on my family? How can I do "it" so the insurance company won't know? Let's be practical. Suicide tends to cancel out death benefits. I have to leave something for Annmarie and the kids, something to take care of them in my absence. Otherwise I would ruin their lives as well as my own. That turns out to be the penultimate reason for refusing to obey the demons. In the long run I love my wife and kids. They would suffer by my death. I do not want to cause them sorrow, especially the deep loss of a loved one.

I suppose that's a big difference for me. I know I am loved. Not many people may be able to say that. When push comes to shove I decide to go on living. It's what I really want to do. So instead I sit, alive but totally immobilized. The demons can't kill me and they can't convince me to do the job for them, so they drain every scrap of energy from my being. All I can do is sit and wait for their siege to fail. Sometimes that works. This time it didn't. It was only by the power of a new medication that I walk among men once again. That's yet another side of this awful morass. Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. The drugs that hold the demons at bay can be just as crippling, for various reasons. The active agents in the medicine affect the operation of the brain. Sometimes this doesn't work as hoped. Other times it doesn't work at all. Often, only a totally new chemical can overcome the inertia. While I can't say what happens to other people, in my most recent "episode" the new drug worked and I was saved. The demons ran away.

Hopefully for good.

So now it's day by day, one foot in front of another. Caution is the key. You never know when you'll slip off the wire and it/s a long way down. There isn't always a net to break your fall. Why the uncertainly? Despite the present state of medical knowledge, science is still not sure how all this works. One theory proposes that our brains stop producing neurons. It was once thought that only children grew new brain cells. Now there is evidence that all animals at all ages grow brain cells constantly through a process called neurogenesis. Apparently it's the lack of this growth that causes some of the mental disorders we are afflicted with, including compulsive behavior, bi-polar personalities, and depression. Experiments indicate that promoting neurogenesis can promote "peace of mind". It's even been suggested that "hope" is the result of the cognitive power created by the new neurons. Whether the theories are correct or not, the results are the same. The mind slips into gear and the patient is able to move forward with his or her life.

For my own part, I only know that it really feels good to be "positive" again. Not that everything around me has changed for the better. Many places in the world are still targeted by the medieval barbarians we call terrorists. People die, children get hurt, hurricanes hit, earthquakes shake. There is a good chance that anytime soon any one of a number of doomsday scenarios will unfold upon us all. Yet I am alive. The sky is blue, the stars are bright, and I saw that blue lizard Meg kept telling me about. The saying "Any day above ground is a good one" is not as pessimistic as it sounds. I am a middle class citizen of a republic on a green planet teeming with life. I am well aware that I am fortunate beyond most folks wildest dreams, blessed by a good wife and five wonderful children. I have a cat, a car, and ice cream when I want it. I am in love, the lawn is trimmed and autumn is coming on.

How much more can a man ask for?

Case in Point

2011-10-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

As if to illustrate the point of my last entry on being bi-polar the last few days have been a whirlwind of creative activity. I started to revive dead projects like the model railroad, straightened up some clutter in the house and the garage, mowed the lawn, went fishing, used up several rolls of film, and a host of other things. Among these was updates to three blogs and the start up of two more. Monday I had trouble sleeping and spent the early morning hours searching for some old files and papers. Last night I spent the night trying to fall asleep despite the fact that I was tired and drowsy. This is a typical example of the "high" side of the cycle, one which I haven't seen in quite a while.

Much of this latest "manic" spell is due to a change in medication. My wife noticed I have tremors during sleep (to go with the vivid dreams) and asked me to discuss with the psychiatrist. I did as she asked and the doctor recommended I stop taking the Lexapro before bed. She recommended I take it during the day. This change alone is enough to cause cycling but I also started taking Lamotrigine, a medication meant to cause my cycling to stabilize on the high side. This double whammy may have initiated the manic episode I described above. Aside from the loss of sleep the episode itself is pretty harmless. The worrisome thing is the thought that each manic period is usually followed by a trough of depression. All of a sudden the creative juices and energy is cut-off. All those blogs don't get updated, the model railroad stands uncompleted, the camera and fishing poles sit gathering dust, the lawn goes to seed.

I am hopeful that the Lamotrigine will stabilize the cycle and that the manic stage will mellow into a positive phase that will enable me to continue on as a "normal" person. Right now all I can do is wait and see. That may be the hardest part of this disorder. Being very aware of the fact that your psyche is completely dependent on brain chemistry is one thing. Knowing that the chemistry can shift in an unpredictable manner at any time tends to, as they say, gives one pause. It's a bit like living an involuntary Jekyll and Hyde existence. The Hyde part undoes all the progress the Jekyll side has made. It's a two steps forward, one step back situation.

For all of my adult life I have faced this challenge and been unable to conquer it. I have paid the consequences for that. Looking back I can see the disorder resulted in a lot of lost opportunities for me and my family. Yet I can also see that just coping and surviving day to day was a victory in itself. I thank my wife and family for that. I'm hoping that the future will bring the reward for all their loving patience and support

The "cycle" of life

2011-10-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

One of the "symptoms" of depression shows up in things like this blog. You'll notice this is the first entry in months. All of my life I have had this problem and it has really held me back in my personal and professional lives. According to my psychiatrist it's a manifestation of the "bi-polar" aspect of my illness (if illness is the proper term). It's an endless cycle. I get interested in something and begin to learn it and work with it. Then, out of nowhere, I loose interest. It's not that I loose interest in that particular subject, I loose interest in everything. This lose of interest may last an hour, a day, or months. Then "presto", it goes away and I can function again. I may continue with whatever I was doing before the setback, but sometimes the interim period is so long that I develop another interest. I dive into it and the cycle repeats itself.

The low spot is usually accompanied by a mindset of failure. It becomes impossible to think about almost anything except all the times I screwed up (or felt I did). That little voice we all have in our heads replays failures and embarrassments and any other negative thought hiding in the recess of my brain. Attempts to look on the positive side don't work. It's as if my brain can do nothing else but focus on the negative side of my life. I didn't see this clearly when I was younger, but because of the medications I now take (and maybe the wisdom of age) I am able to analyze it. These days I can at least talk it over with professionals and work it out.

My current cocktail of medications includes Lexapro, Welbutrin and just recently Lamotrigine. The Lexapro is meant to treat my depression. The Welbutrin allows me to stay functioning while under the influence of the Lexapro. The Lamotrine was added to counteract the bi-polar problem and keep me on the "positive" side of the cycle. The doctor is hopeful it will allow me to lead a more normal life. I hope so. Itt would be great to be able to develop some of the skills I've learned over the years. If there is a positive side to this experience, it has been the number of interests I have cultivated between low points of the cycling. I have become a jack of all trades to some extent. Perhaps under the influence of the Lamotrigine I may be able to master one or two.

Alchemy

2011-05-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write something about the effects of the medications used to treat mental disorders, at least the ones I'm familiar with. This is about the sixth attempt. Hopefully it will make sense to somebody out there.

Some people call the meds used to treat depression and other mental disorders "happy pills". I don't think that's correct at all. It may seem that way to folks who don't need them. It's not. When you consider that many people who are being treated complain about the way the drugs make them feel, it seems pretty much the opposite. Yet, like everything else, it depends on who you are talking to. Some patients complain that the medication leaves them numb and stifles their creativity. In my own case, I think that's a personal perception more than anything else. I can still create things. In fact I'm able to focus more on creative activities. If you're used to being manic, the drugs will definitely tone down your personality. It could seem to be numbness, but only because you're used to over- reacting to everything. It's a little hard to explain. It's the difference between being "flighty" and being down to earth. You go from being "one with the universe" to a rather ordinary day to day existence. I tend to think I'm seeing the world around me as it really exists rather than what I thought it was like. I personally think such "connections" are just an delusion caused by the disorder. You didn't lose your connection. It was never actually there.

I guess one way to put it is that you "awaken to reality". This can have some unexpected consequences. No more peak experiences. You are not as prone to what might be called "hyper feeling". Emotional peaks and valleys tend to flatten out. The universe is more black and white. Those "rose colored" lenses tend to lose some of their tint. You experience less of what's in your head and more of what's actually happening. You no longer feel sad when there is nothing to be sad about. You aren't overly ecstatic over ordinary events anymore. Your brain stops giving you those subtle but completely false impressions of reality. These false impressions are the result of the faulty "wiring" in your brain, chemical imbalances that the medication corrects. As a result you may find yourself in a world you're not familiar with. You no longer "feel" creative. If you're religious you may no longer "feel" God's presence in church. How about this weird example...you're a psychic and your "ability" to sense the supernatural may suddenly leave you. You are no longer "one with the universe". Instead of wishing things were back to the way they used to be, try to really think about what is happening. Chemicals shouldn't really be able to stop God from doing anything. No medication is powerful enough to affect how the universe behaves. It's not very likely that supernatural powers would be affected by Prozac or Lexapro. Since the only thing the meds can control is the chemistry in your brain, that pretty much leads to one conclusion. All these things may just be "in your head". Realizing that something you thought was important may be just a delusion can be a disappointing, even frightening revelation. Some patients don't like it and stop the medication.

Although I have not ever felt the drugs stole my "specialness" I did have an experience that caused me to stop taking them many years ago. When I first went on Prozac it worked pretty well, though I think it may have accented the manic aspects of the disorder. To compensate for this I was prescribed Lithium. The result was an emotional crash such as I had never experienced on my worst days. I dropped both medications like a hot rock. It was several months before I would go near anti-depressants again. During that period I tried fighting the disorder on my own.but eventually I had to go back on medicines. Over the years since then I've been prescribed several different medications with varying results. Finally I was put on a regimen of Lexapro and Welbutrin. This has worked well for me.

I've also had experience with unexpected reactions to other medications. Some can actually cause depression to return or make existing symptoms worse. A few years ago it was discovered I needed bypass surgery. The surgery went well, but the recovery required several drugs to control blood pressure. I felt so good after the surgery that it took a very long time to realize the meds for my heart were causing other problems. I was depressed, irritable and withdrawn, even with anti-depressant medicines. I had started to feel that the folks around me were acting hostile. I thought a lot about dying, thinking I couldn't deal with this anymore. Fortunately I had learned from personal experience that this wouldn't solve anything. It would only result in extreme heartache for friends and family. I spoke to several doctors about this and it turned out that a specific heart medication was the source of the problem. The chemical reactions in my brain had affected my perception with almost fatal results. After some experimentation the blood pressure medication was changed. All of sudden the world was a better place. Life was worth living and people were friendly again. Illnesses can bring about similar results. Severe allergies, colds, respiratory and sinus infections can affect you so bad that you think your medication has stopped working. Symptoms very similar to depression can become apparent. In such cases it's wise to seek treatment for the illness as quickly as possible. You are essentially suffering from two ailments at the same time. Make sure you're getting treated for both.

Despite those experiences, I am personally convinced that the proper medication provides people like me with a better grasp on reality. This is a good thing. Seeing things as they really are has resulted in a healthy skepticism on a broad range of subjects I used to take at face value. Some things "ain't necessarily so". I don't think this is a bad way to be. There's a lot of silly stuff being foisted on us these days. It's a blessing to be able to see how silly they really are. Discernment isn't always easy to come by.

The Up Side

2011-05-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

Since my last entry dealt with the bad days, I thought I should counterbalance. There are good days. The kind of day when you jump out of bed. These are the days when I feel "normal". I can interact with people. I can get things done. On these days I like being out and about or puttering in the garage with one of my hobbies. I can do any number of things I can't do when the dragons have their way. I laugh and I sing (or hum). I actually sing (or hum) a lot. It's an unconscious thing I do when I am content with my life. It's a habit I got into when I was a child. I don't know how it sounds, and it probably gets annoying after a while, but it is a sign that I'm OK and the meds are doing their job.

I tend to think I'm actually a pretty positive person. At least that's what I want to be. I hope I am. I'm the kind of person who will laugh when they see a butterfly or a child's smile. I love playing with my grandkids and laughing and being with my sons and daughters. I like hanging out with my wife and making her laugh. I actually like meeting people, even though I'm shy and introspective. I'm interested in so many things that I can't really learn them all well. I have taught myself some of it by reading or doing. One of those "jack of all trades" kind of people. I do my own home repairs, fix my car, work on my motorcycle. I'm good with a paint brush on a wall and sometimes a canvas. I'm an artist of sorts. I draw things and that got me started on my first career as a draftsman. I can draw almost anything, even people, which was a surprise to me. I've only drawn a couple of portraits, but they came out pretty well. .I've built cabinets and furniture and other things out of wood and a few things out of metal. One of my prize possessions is a welder. I'm not a great welder, but I'm learning. Trains are a huge interest, a passion I suppose. I study the history of railroading and even have a model railroad that takes up most of the garage (even moved the motorcycle out to make more room for trains). I like pretty much anything that's mechanical, the older the better. Antique cars, airplanes, buses, tractors, steam engines always grab my attention.When I was a kid I had an intense interest in science and that is still true today. I own a telescope and binoculars and on really good days actually use them to study the world around me and the heavens above. If I was better at math I might have chosen science as a career. I can also write a pretty fair sentence, which is why you're reading this now.

I'm spelling all this out so you'll get an idea of what the "disease" steals from me. It's what I miss on the dark days when my mind doesn't work the way it should. It's what I loose interest in when I'm lying on the couch feeling empty. It may make you wonder (like I do) what I might have been or done with my life if it didn't keep getting interrupted by bouts of "craziness". A psychiatrist once told me (in her broken English) "Your craziness is a part of your creativity". I don't know if all creative people have the same issue, I hope not. Sometimes I'm not sure it's worth the trade.

There is one draw back to the good days. I never know how long they will last. It might be days, it might be weeks. Sometimes it can be months. It seems, however, that eventually the bottom falls out again and all these things I love seem so far away. Then I have to climb back up to normal again and start all over. It seems like such a small victory sometimes, but wars are won one battle at a time.

Day After Day

2011-05-11T09:21:00.002-07:00

The simplest things are the ones you really can't take for granted. The sun will rise tomorrow, but maybe not for you. There is no guarantee that your next breath won't be your last one. Likewise, there is no promise that today will be the best day or your life. I wake up every morning never knowing whether the medication will have the desired effect. When it does I'm okay with the world and can take things in stride...Almost like a normal person might (as if anybody, especially me, really knew what "normal" meant). Sometimes, more than I would like, I awake "under the weather" for one reason or another. Could be an allergy, an illness, even a new medicine that doesn't "play well" with my other medications. These are the days when the drugs are no help at all.

Sometimes its just a lack of energy, that listlessness that seems to fill your soul. You may or may not be able to get out of bed. If you are able to get up, you most likely spend your day on a couch staring blankly at the TV. You drift in and out of sleep. You're not hungry, not really interested in anything. For all intents and purposes your are just another part of the furniture. Those are not the worst days, however. It's hard to describe the worst days. Your not part of the background; your not even on the same level as the furniture. You are the lowest of all that crawls the earth. Every possible mistake you have ever made plays and replays through your mind. The documentary of all your screw-ups is the only thing on. You would change the channel or drown out the memories if you could, but it won't go away. You doubt that there is a soul on the planet that could care for you. You don't care for you. You are a waste of time and energy. The world and everybody around you would probably be better off if you had never existed. You are the origin of everything negative that has ever happened. You should just die and get it over with. Everything will be so much better when you're gone. This state of mind may go on for hours, maybe days. For some, it never stops. On days like these almost anything can happen. At the very least any new faults or failings will be added to the playback in your head, even more reasons you are a waste of space.

It's hard to convince yourself that all of this is only happening in your head. You can be standing in a room full of friends and family that you absolutely know love and care for you, people who would be absolutely devastated if you were suddenly taken from them. Yet the video in your head keeps playing the same catalog of worthlessness over and over and over. "Remember that time in high school when you made a fool of yourself? How about that job you had? Didn't you screw that up for yourself? If only you had...It's no use, you screw up everything you touch. You'd be better off dead". Meanwhile, in the real world, you grandkids are screaming your name as you walk in the room. They run and hug you like you were the best thing since bottled beer. Your wife is madly, irreversibly in love with you. "How can she love anybody like you" the video taunts. Yet there she is, standing next to you as if that's all she ever wanted in life, smiling at just the thought of you.

On days like that there is really nothing you can do but ride out the storm. You have to convince yourself that there is no reality to it. Sure you screwed up, but that was centuries ago. You can't really change any of the past. All you can do is learn from it and move on. If you look around you can see evidence that the playback in your mind is actually a lie. The trick is to pay attention to what is actually happening in that place and time. "Being in the moment" if you can accomplish it. is the only real way to deal with the problem. By focusing on the real world and ignoring what's in your head you may just make it through the day. It's a minute by minute fight, like a house to house battle in a crowded city. It can be exhausting, but it's sometimes the only way to survive. On days like this sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the memory of what it's like for the survivors; the ones left behind when someone loses their grip and takes that final plunge. Sometimes the only one who can help me is the one person we all miss.

Dark Dragon

2011-05-06T13:04:00.001-07:00

How to start? I guess just be open and honest about the havoc mental illness has wreaked on me and my family over the decades. All of us have suffered in one way or another due to its presence. In milder forms it can be embarrassing, sometimes even comical. In most cases, however, its direct effect can cause destruction of souls. In some cases there are physical fatalities. The victims of these types of disorders sometimes destroy themselves and/or other people, other lives. If it doesn't affect you directly its passive influence can be almost as destructive.

Sometimes the symptoms of mental disorders like depression are not visible to anyone but the victim. These instances may be even worse than the more evident cases. If a fatality occurs, nobody knows what's happening until after the fact. The result is still as devastating. The survivors are left, bewildered, in the wake of a tragic loss. In both situations, additional lives are unalterably changed. Guilt often mixes with the grief as the people left behind wonder what they personally could have done to prevent the tragedy. That question will stay with them for the rest of their lives. My family knows first hand what that's like. All of us have personally experienced it several times. Some of the victims were friends, some of them were relations, one was close family. Fortunately the seven people who made up our own household survived their personal battles with the dark dragon of depression.

My family is all too familiar with mental illness and its consequences. In a bittersweet irony this familiarity has been a blessing. It is a major factor in our survival. We know how the story ends and we have no wish to follow our friends and loved ones down that dark passage to oblivion. Its a lesson we'll never forget but one we wish we had never learned. A question that never should have been asked.

One thing we have learned above all else... Its major strategy is divide and conquer. You withdraw from the very people who can best help you defeat the dragon. It's a battle you often must fight on your own, but it cannot be won without allies. Perhaps that is the greatest evil. I was lucky enough to have family who pulled me back from the edge.